Post funny stuffs & jokes here

[AK10]

Hi guys...
Post your funny jokes, quotes, sayings, one-liners, pictures, etc here..
And pls follow the forum rules too.

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Here is one:
Teacher: whoever answers my
next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the
window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

[AK10]

There was once a man who was being chased by a dog in a circle.
Another man comes and says: "Careful mate! he's gonna catch you! "
The man replies confidently: " Not to worry... I'm four laps ahead of the dog".

[Dictator]

What is the most popular word in the world,which begings with
F and ends with K?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
its 'Facebook'

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and the word you thought is the 2nd most popular word in the world

[AK10]

Santa buys a ticket and
wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
Our Santa says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, Sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
Santa said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
Santa, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my 1 dollar back!"

[AK10]

1.A man goes to see the doctor and says "doctor i keep forgetting stuff" and the doctor replies "how long have you had this problem?"...the man replies "what problem?"

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2.Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...then i thought where the hell is my roof!

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4.Stupid sent a SMS to his pregnant wife.
Two seconds later a report appeared on his phone and he started dancing.
What was the report?
The report said DELIVERED....

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5.Tom: What will happen if the earth rotates 30 times faster than usual?? Tony: Oh well. We'll get our salaries every day.

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6.Interviewer: Congrats, u r selected. Ur 1st year salary is Rs.60,000 & Next year will be Rs.1,00,000. Candidate: O.K. Sir. Thank you.I'll join next year.

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7.Q: HOw do the chinese gave names to their kids????
ANS:they drop a metal can down the stairs and what sound it makes thats the name!

[Aipico Armand]

***Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house

***Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning

***Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

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***Jack and Jill went up a hill,
So Jack could lick her candy,
Well Jack got a shock and mouthful of cock,
'Cause Jill's real name was Randy.
***Q: Is google a boy or girl?
A: Obviously a girl because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
***I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
*** 6 year old kid was watching spongebob when he turned around and said " I know why squidward wears no pants! It's because his winky is on his face!
***How we wake up I'm the morning:
Brain: "Oh f*ck."
Body: "Don't get up."
D*ck: "THIS IS SPARTAA!!!"

[Exponent]

Here's one lawyer-joke that I found from Jokes' site:

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

[Aipico Armand]

*Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, forgot laughter were called "Saints",
But now they are called.. "IT professionals"
*What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
*If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
*What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
*Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger!
*Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry
*I love Pandas, they're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm White, Black, and Asian....."

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Q: Why is Facebook like Jail?
A: You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know
*Do not be racist , be like Mario. He's an italian plumber, made by Japanese people, who speaks english, looks like a mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a jew
*Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"